How To Break Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
Keep a record of your relationship patterns.
It’s one thing to say you want to break unhealthy patterns in your relationships, but what are they? How do you know them when you see them?
The first step to identifying patterns is as simple as writing a list of all the people who you have had romantic relationships with. For each person, write down an honest assessment of what worked and what didn’t work. What did you like about being with this person? What did you not like?
Example: When completing this exercise you may for instance reflect on past relationships and notice that almost all of the people you got into relationships with were very charismatic and charming. They were funny and had a wild sense of humor — just like you — but their humor often crossed the line and made other people uncomfortable. Maybe they’d talk over people or make jokes at other people’s expense. And if someone called them out on their behavior, they would immediately apologize and admit they were wrong. This is a good thing right? But what if this cycle happened repeatedly throughout your relationship until you broke up because their behavior pushed you too far away from your own values. This is an important pattern to analyze.
Write down what you want from a relationship.
Before you can move forward, you first need to figure out what you want.
Write down your needs and wants from a relationship—and try not to make them contradictory.
For example, one person might decide they need someone who is dependable, but they also don't want someone who comes across as boring or predictable. While this might be a tricky balance to strike in real life, it’s an important distinction to keep in mind when dating. This is the kind of complex message you only get from being able to slow down and reflect on what you're looking for out of a partner.
At the end of the day, we are all responsible for meeting our own needs (and if we aren’t able to meet them on our own, that's something we can work on). The danger here is thinking that there’s a perfect person out there with whom we will both never disagree and always feel fulfilled—that’s just not realistic.
Look at the patterns in your childhood.
The patterns that you learned about love and relationships likely came from your parents. Or, your extended family and relatives. Or, any other caregivers.
Unhealthy patterns in a relationship can stem from the early attachment styles that were experienced between parent and child. For instance, if there was a lack of affection or love present in childhood, this will greatly impact current views on relationships and how they operate. Similarly, trauma and abuse can also greatly influence these early attachment styles; however more often than not these traumas are kept buried deep down inside and we may not be aware of how it is affecting our current dating style until we dig deeper into our pasts to understand the root cause behind this behavior.
Be honest about what you can, and cannot, change.
It's not your fault. It's not their fault. And it's also not their fault that they're not right for you. Understanding what you can and cannot change can help you make a more informed decision about the relationships in your life.
Be aware of what cannot be changed, and accept that some things are out of your control:
Some people may not leave violent or sexually abusive relationships because they don't have access to financial resources, housing, or childcare—and those are the kinds of resources abusers seldom provide to begin with.
A person who is addicted to drugs or alcohol may feel like he or she is someone else when intoxicated. You can't expect them to act different; staying will put you at risk for emotional and physical harm.
A partner who feels jealous all the time won't change unless he or she gets professional counseling; jealousy is a telltale sign of insecurity, past trauma, and even mental illness.
Your partner might threaten suicide if you leave him/her—or actually go through with it in a moment of desperation—but they do this because they know it will manipulate you into staying; choosing to stay means putting your safety on the line each day (and teaching them that threats work).
Consider therapy for help with trauma and boundaries.
This may not be the answer you want to hear, but you can't change your relationship patterns without addressing your childhood. If you're a people pleaser, chances are that was something modeled for you as a child. If your role was to be the caretaker of the family, that's what you'll continue to do in relationships.
In order to break this cycle, therapy is a powerful tool that can help people understand how their past relationships influence their present ones. Therapy can also help people work on boundaries by first learning how to set them and then maintain them despite what other people say or do.
Work on self-awareness to break unhealthy relationship patterns.
The first step to breaking unhealthy relationship patterns is to become more aware of yourself in your relationships. This means being mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and strengths and weaknesses. It also means understanding how you communicate with other people, as well as learning about the ways that people typically communicate with each other (verbal and nonverbal). While you shouldn’t have to be a mind reader or know what your partner is thinking at all times, it’s important to understand their perspective if you want the relationship to last. For example, if you often feel ignored or unheard when talking with someone else about an issue that’s bothering them or vice versa then perhaps it might be time for both parties involved in the conversation take some steps back from each other so each can better understand where one another stands on certain issues before continuing forth in trying to resolve them together.
Our childhoods influence our relationships in adulthood, but there are ways we can work to break unhealthy patterns.
A lot of people have found themselves in abusive relationships, and so it becomes a matter of life or death for many. Relationship abuse can come from many places, but one of them is childhood development experiences. If you were abused as a child, then that can be a starting point for where your abusive relationship comes from. The good news is that therapy can help you find the best way to communicate with the other person and set healthy boundaries between you. There are specific steps and methods to breaking unhealthy patterns in your own relationship without making things worse or causing more conflict than necessary. For instance, if one person's behavior makes it impossible for their partner to express themselves or their emotions, this can escalate into unhealthy patterns as both people try to work around these problems with manipulative tactics like manipulation.
A good first step would be to look back on childhood development experiences and see where your abuse came from. Look at who was present in your childhood (your parents), what they asked you do (tasks), how they reacted (emotional), and how much power they gave you over decisions (control).
If any of those characteristics apply to you now in adulthood, it could be influencing your relationship in an unhealthy way—and we all know that relationships are never healthy when one person feels powerless over another.
If you are looking for a mental health therapist reach out to us today, we are here to help.
